1 out of 6 people are insane. except when you're friends with me and my friends, then 6 out of 6 people are insane.
When life gives to lemons, throw them at life and demand BIGGER lemons
Reality is more fun when you make it up
Kids are the future. Be afraid. Be very afraid!
Words may hurt me, but sticks and stones will bounce off my force field
So, if guns kill people, can I blame misspelled words on my pencil?
I've heard that its possible to grow up. I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.
Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to
Tell the truth and run
When in doubt, say a quote
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?
When in doubt, make up words!
Ask no questions and I will tell no lies.
You say I'm not cool. Cool is just another word for cold. If I'm not Cold then I'm Hot. I know I'm Hot. Thank You for embracing it!
A postitve attitude may not solve all your problems, but it annoys enough people to make it worth it!
I'm not insensitive, I just dont care
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
Music is like candy-you throw away the rappers.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? That's a really good question...i wonder...
On a scale of one to awesome, that was purple.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't -- Hey! Nice carpet!"
I'm not afraid of death. What's it gonna to do? Kill me?
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.
We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."
RULES FOR HOGWARTS
- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!
- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar
- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort
- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape
- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda
- I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.
- The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 10 minutes, I shall assume that I am not allowed to use it.
- It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.
- "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
- Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labelled, "Firewhiskey."
- I am not allowed to paint the House Elves blue and call them smurfs
- "So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like. Dead."
- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret
- No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
- Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in May...June...or July...
- Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
- I am not allowed to sing 'we're off to see the wizard' on the way to the headmaster's office
- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
- Especially not with kazoos.
- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
- Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other house is forbidden.
- There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".
...Even if I do conjure him up.
- Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.
- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
- Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.
- I will not write "Wizard" on my hat in sequins.
- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
- I am not allowed to dress exactly like Snape and ask him to call me "mini me."
- Snape does not want bleach, laundry detergent, or new underwear for his birthday or Christmas.
- No combination of these is acceptable.
- Murmuring “I see dead people…” every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.
- Yelling “to infinity, and BEYOND!” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.
- I am no longer allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways.
- I should not remark that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” when Snape gets angry. Ever.
- I will not give Hagrid pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.
If you can't beat them, confuse them.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
If everything seems to be going well, you've obviously overlooked something.
It's you and me against the world - we attack at dawn.
Life is just one bad thing after another. Unless it's a bunch of bad things all at once.
Normal people worry me.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
First law of science: don't spit into the wind
theres always a light at the end of a tunnel just pray its not a train!
take my advice i dont use it anyway
Jealousy is a wasted emotion. Which is why I recycle!
What does really suck? A giraffe with pain in his neck
Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out
Homework? Do I pay school money to work at home!?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?
There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise
You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop
If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left
Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils
The road to success is always under construction
By the time you read this, you've already read it
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
Dont steal, the government hates competition
The higher you are, the farther you fall... so keep yur job at burger king!
How to annoy people
WARNING only read this if you wish to lower your life expectancy by a huge amount
Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
Announce when you're going to the bathroom.
Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
As people talk, smell their shoulders.
Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
ONLY TYPE IN CAPITALS
The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me " HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary
I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.
Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?
Don't follow me, I'm lost too
It's always the last place you look. Of course it is; why would I keep looking after I've found it?
I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask where their going and hook up with them later
Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them
Set sail in a genaral that way direction
Love? I'd rather fall in chocolate.
Doctors say I have multiple personalitys. We disagree with that.
I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
If the world is full of crazy people, THEY'D MAKE ME THEIR LEADER.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.
Have you seen my sanity? I seem to have lost it
364 days of the years kids are told not to take candy from strangers, but on Halloween it's encouraged! Why is that?
Things To Ponder:
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
What disease did cured ham have?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do alarm clocks “go off” when they start making noise?
Why do we yell “Heads up!” when we should be yelling “Heads down!”?
How can something be both “new” and “improved”?
Why do we shut up, but quiet down?
How did the “Keep Off the Grass” sign get there in the first place?
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